Dear Americanopants

I -really- need to get better at this letter writing business. The last five months have been a whirlwind of STUFF and it has finally slowed down. As of 4 pm August 19th, I am no longer a student (unless the school comes back and says I didn’t finish something). I am having an extremely difficult time coping with this loss of identity, but so much is happening this week that I should come out okay. For a while at least

First Boyfriend and I have started combining our finances and bills as of yesterday. We now have a joint credit card, and our insurance will be on the same account soon. Our motorbikes won’t  be until next year, but it is a start. We are going to the bank today to discuss our accounts and open me my own chequing account. We have had the joint account for the last few years to hide my inheritance from the Student Loan Sharks. If there was any substantial dollar value in my individual account, I wouldn’t qualify for loans. It is all good now that I am finished my degree. I get to be an adult again.

Dad told me that, because I am the first in my family to finish university, he is going to make my loan “disappear”. Attending this new university has been an eye-opener for the amount of privilege I have in life. I am a university graduate with no student debt, a house, a car that is paid for, and a bank account with at least four digits.

Privilege is a word that is getting thrown around a lot these days. Most online conversation is centered around privilege and feminism. There is  a group called the MRAs who like to show up at rape trials or consent rallies with signs that say things like “Rape Culture is a MYTH”. They argue that women have ALL the equality, and that they need to fight for men’s rights like custody and the ability to show emotions. Some of them call themselves meninists. Feminism is fighting for most of the things they are, but they are also fighting for a world where I don’t lose my job when two of my coworkers take advantage of me with drugs in my drink and then tell everyone at work that I was just “thirsty” and couldn’t handle the “regret”.

Sorry. That rant was probably unnecessary, but I can’t find a safe space on the interwebz. The world has changed so much since our 4am MSN chat dates and the old Runelords (I should see if that still exists…)

Wedding planning is going smoothly. I have only cried once because of the caterer so far. Our wedding is on August 31st at 10 am, and the reception will be November 14th. We were planning on being in Las Vegas this week anyway because of Graduation Adventuring, so instead of paying $2000 CND for a wedding in the mountains, we spent $300 to do it in Vegas.

We fly out on the 26th, stay in Vegas until the 2nd, fly to Phoenix, and fly home on the 10th. While we’re there, I am going to apply for jobs, and the day I get home, I am going to change my name. I never believed I would ever get married after the hell I went through with Lumberjack, but it just makes sense for First Boyfriend and me. It will make buying a house, getting benefits, and filing taxes easier.

My dress is black, 1950s style, knee length, and poofy with red crinoline. There is also an appropriate amount of cleavage showing, which is a bonus. Steve will be wearing a black on black suit with a cherry red tie to match my crinoline. We are going to look so cute.

Animal assisted therapy is an amazing thing. Are the dogs still there?  Are there any black labs? Will you get to train a dog?

My BPD is more of a “oh poo, irrational brain is dominant today. I should stay away from people I love” thing. There are triggers, but they aren’t always evident until it is too late. I can -usually- avoid them after the first time though.

I really hope you can find an accountability partner. They are really useful and hold you up when you feel weaker. I wonder if there is any kind of sponsorship program for this like there is in AA, CA, NA, EA, etc.? That would be hard to set up given the nature of the situation, but it could be a beneficial program. For some people, religion IS enough accountability, but I think it depends on your relationship with your religious symbol. I wonder if there are any psych studies on this…

50 Shades of Grey is a Twilight fanfic written by EL James. She changed the characters from vamps to humans, and gave them ridiculous personality traits. The book tries to represent BDSM, but ignores all the important rules. The way the guy treats the girl in the book is very similar to the way Lumberjack treated me, but everyone thinks it’s okay because he is rich, which makes his behaviour “romantic”. I wrote a paper on 50 Shades is Abuse on Twitter for my Sociology of Social Change class. I ended up getting a 95 on it.

Are you allowed to play D&D yet, or is it still a security risk?

My birthday was June 5th, and I got a tattoo that day to help me get through the icky stuff that normally comes around that time.

I will send you pictures once I am working and can afford to print them. One of my lizard, one of you and I, and one from my wedding.

Remember, I love jooooooooo!
-N

Ps. How was the visit with your mom and your aunt?
Pss. This was only 4 pages. What is wrong with me? ❤

Plot Twist

I wasn’t going to write about this.

I was so proud to be off my medication for so long, only to crack under the pressure of my life, school, and work. I am struggling right now, and while I am not ashamed to admit I have weakness, I am ashamed to admit I have a prescription to help me cope.

I went to my doctor last week to discuss the amount of anxiety attacks I have been having, as well as the nearly nonexistent libido I have suffered since coming off Pristiq. Discussing my anxiety resulted in an anxiety attack…so I got my point across nicely.

I now have a pill bottle for Ativan and Wellbutrin in my purse. The doctor prescribed me 20 Ativan to keep with me, just as a safety blanket. The idea of having them in my purse has been enough to keep down any major attacks as Ativan and I do not have a healthy relationship. I have only had to take one pill thus far, which happened the night I saw the doctor. It’s been seven days, and my anxiety attacks are still as frequent, but less debilitating.

I received the prescription on a Wednesday, which was four days after posting in a support group about my adamant refusal to take any medication (especially Ativan) ever again. On the day I made that post, one of my abusers attended the hockey game I was working. This was the second time they attended one of the games (and hopefully the last since their team is second last in the league), and with all the pressure I was already under, I cracked. I was able to ward off the painful memories (and the resulting anxiety attack) until I was safely in my car and away from the situation, however my strength has been reduced and my control over my physiological responses needs to be rebuilt.

Upon discussing how the abusers presence affected me, I received three different responses: “are you okay?”, “Oh my god, get over it!”, and “you need to get on some medication”. Only one of these responses were emotionally helpful as I disassociate when under pressure, and the other two just made things worse. It is not my fault that there is trauma locked in my brain centred around the abuse that this person inflicted on me, I am not able to just “get over it”, and medication was something I swore I wouldn’t put myself through unless it was medically (or psychologically) necessary.

It is psychologically necessary.

I didn’t realize how much the Wellbutrin was helping me until yesterday when I forgot to take my medication. I know it typically takes up to two weeks for the medication to fully kick in, but I have noticed a significant improvement just by facing the consequences of not taking my medication. Yesterday, my mood was fluctuating rapidly, mostly between apathetic and sad; I had impulse control issues, mostly centred on food; and I was restless and distracted from accomplishing anything. It wasn’t until I was texting First Boyfriend during the hockey game that I noticed the hyper vigilance. I was constantly scanning the crowds, and every time a player checked another into the boards in front of me, I jumped. It dawned on me that I forgot to take my medication in the morning, and that I spent the day suffering the consequences.

I think it is going to be important for me to track my progress on the medication, especially with the imminent dosage increase. It is going to be important for me to pay attention to the effects of caffeine on my body, how much sleep I am getting, and what my appetite levels are like. I need to watch my impulsiveness and distractibility as well. I have a follow up appointment with my prescribing doctor in five weeks, and a visit with my therapist every second Friday. Having data for the both of them is going to assist me in my recovery and getting my life back.

I am planning on blogging about my progression at least once a week, but I haven’t been very reliable (school takes up the most of my time) so I don’t want to make any promises. I do think it is important for me to keep a record of this for my future, though, so we will see how this goes.

I am not weak for breaking my resolve and getting neuropharmacological help. I am strong for admitting that I need assistance and what I am doing isn’t enough right now. Medication isn’t forever, and this attempt is for both my mental health and my partnered intimacy.

I need to remember that.